One of the most poignant and enlightening moments I’ve ever experienced was the day my four-year-old daughter did an exceptional job cleaning her room without being asked or reminded. When I saw her room, I complimented her, acknowledged her, and thanked her for taking the initiative. Then I asked if there was a reason she decided to do it. She looked at me and said, “I wanted you to like me.”
The pain in my gut was excruciating. I know what it feels like to be hit in the gut physically, but that day I discovered what it feels like emotionally.
Now, I know the message behind her four-year-old words was really, “I wanted you to be proud of me.” But the fact that she wanted my love, approval, and acknowledgment, which is a normal need for every child, still cut deep. Because I see that same pattern in myself, and in so many adults around me.
When I ask my therapist friends if seeking approval is unhealthy, most tell me it’s not inherently unhealthy. The real issue is the impact it has on our lives—and that, for many of us, it is measurably harmful.
How many times today have you found yourself doing one of these?
- Saying yes even though you’re exhausted or don’t have the time.
- Avoiding saying what you truly feel.
- Shaping your personality, interests, or appearance to match what others want.
- Downplaying or hiding parts of yourself that might invite criticism.
- Overcompensating in conversations—agreeing with everyone to avoid conflict.
- Checking repeatedly if others approve of your choices, looks, or performance.
- Feeling anxious until someone praises or reassures you.
- Relying on external validation instead of trusting your own judgment.
- Feeling crushed or defensive when given feedback, because it feels like rejection of who you are.
- Spending hours (or days) replaying negative comments, trying to “fix” yourself so others will approve.
- Measuring your worth by likes, follows, or external recognition.
- Posting or sharing things not because they’re true to you, but because you think they’ll win approval.
Editing your life into a highlight reel to be accepted, while secretly feeling disconnected from your authentic self.
If we’re honest, these behaviors— people-pleasing, approval-seeking, desperate-for-love habits—happen all the time.
To me, it feels like hunger. I see it written on people’s faces, woven into their behavior, hiding in their words. This need to be loved, accepted, acknowledged, witnessed, and cared for is so great that it often dictates our self-worth. It molds us to fit others’ expectations. It causes us to live in fear of rejection. And it distorts our identity until approval becomes the compass—making us forget who we really are and what we truly want.
The problem is that buried inside these approval-seeking behaviors is something real, something we actually do need.
Humans are social beings. From childhood, we are wired to seek love, care, and approval from our caregivers—because our survival once depended on it. Approval, acknowledgment, and the feeling of being witnessed are food and fuel for our True Nature. They reinforce belonging, help us regulate emotions, and support the healthy development of self-worth. In healthy doses, this natural desire for approval is not only normal but beneficial.
So, how do we balance our True Nature’s need to be approved, seen, acknowledged, and loved without slipping into the dark side—where it erodes our worth, undermines self-love, fuels self-sacrifice, distorts our identity, and turns us into chameleons for love?
That is what I’d like to discuss and explore with you Wednesday at this month’s gathering.
In the meantime, I’m going to go clean my bedroom…
