Sabotaging one’s success

Over the years, I’ve often been asked, “How do I stop sabotaging my life?” For every person who has asked this question, I’ve asked it of myself at least a hundred times.

My usual response involves identifying the saboteur within and then applying certain practices, principles, and processes and embracing forgiveness to change the habits, beliefs, or agreements that fuel our self-sabotaging behaviors.

Common Saboteurs We Face

We often encounter familiar saboteurs such as procrastination, self-doubt, fear of failure, negative self-talk, perfectionism, avoiding difficult conversations, lack of boundaries, staying in toxic situations, clinging to the past, lack of focus and patience, and relying on external validation. Each of these issues has strategies and processes that can help us work through them.

However, there is a “secret saboteur” that many of us overlook...

One’s Own Intuition

Actually, it is not intuition per se—sabotage occurs when we link rules, rebellion, and intuition together.

Here’s what I mean…

As children, many of us were subjected to confusing, restrictive, and sometimes even abusive rules. Whether harsh or subtle, we were all told to follow certain mandates—clean your room, do your chores, complete your homework. If the directives felt onerous or abusive, we learned to sabotage the rules by rebelling against them.

For many, this “rebelling against rules” extended into adulthood, affecting how we respond to any rules—even those we set for ourselves or those stemming from our intuition. How often have you felt an intuitive nudge to do something, only to find yourself second-guessing, procrastinating, or convincing yourself it wasn’t necessary? This is essentially a rebellion against rules, including those originating from within.

When you unconsciously equate intuition with oppressive rules from childhood, you may begin to distrust and even oppose your intuition. The challenge is compounded when the rules of our youth, which might have been useful but poorly presented, become internal rules we rebel against as adults.

Your intuition has been disguised as the rules you rebel against…

Breaking the Cycle

The solution involves stopping rebelling against the rules of the past by bringing awareness to the moment of rebelling, forgiving those involved, and stop fighting the war you have already won.

Realizing that the rules you or intuition are asking of you are done out of love and opportunities for success and growth in the present moment.

I’m curious about your thoughts on this. Have you ever felt yourself rebelling against the “rules” that you know will lead to success?

Do you rebel against your intuition?

Have you noticed similar patterns in your behavior?

I am looking forward to your insights and discussions.

Join me for a deeper conversation on this topic at our next Wednesday Zoom talk.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve received various questions and requests for advice or feedback on different subjects. The questions start with:

“How do I…?”

“Do you think…?”

“Could you help with…?”

I’m very cautious about the advice I give, and I only offer feedback, share my thoughts, or “take someone’s inventory” if we have some agreement in place.

Even with a contractual, financial arrangement—where they’re essentially paying me to share my insights—I’ve noticed that no matter what I say, there is often a subtle, passive-aggressive, or even overt retaliation or “hitting back.”

I’ve noticed this in workshops where I’ve been asked to help people become aware of the thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, habits, and addictions that hinder their success. The moment I share my feedback, I can almost predict when someone will “hit me back,” taking issue not with what I said but how I said it, my tone, or the color of my shirt.

I’m very aware of the ego’s protective mechanism to retaliate or give back what it gets. That’s why when someone gives us attitude, we give attitude back. I’m also curious about why the ego, when it decides to retaliate, often adds a little more by saying things like “your momma…”

This reaction seems habitual, even addictive—we must hit back, even when receiving productive, requested feedback. To be honest, I’ve noticed this in myself at times. When people I love give me feedback, part of me is very grateful, yet another protective part wants to “even the score” by pointing something out about them.

I had to laugh at myself recently when my 6-year-old granddaughter corrected me about the name of one of her stuffed animals, saying, “Her name is Rachel... you always get that wrong.” Outwardly, I thanked her and promised I wouldn’t make that mistake again. But inwardly, my retaliatory protection wanted to say, “I’ll get that doll’s name right when you can pronounce Grandpa without a lisp.”

I started to laugh at myself, imagining a scenario where we stood throwing insults at each other, culminating in her saying, “Well, you’re not my favorite grandparent,” and me storming off in tears.

This need to “hit back” and retaliate is very prevalent. I see it in myself and others and want to explore why.

Why do we feel the need to “hit back”?

I’m not talking about legitimately protecting oneself but retaliating purely for the sake of retaliation.

Why do we need to make others feel the pain we experience?

Are we so desperate to be right and not wrong that we bypass the opportunity to learn, waiting instead for the moment we can retaliate?

Have we not evolved enough to receive feedback without responding with “What about,” “But you said,” or “Well, you’re short for a 6-year-old, so there!”?

Has retaliation become the norm?

If so, what do you suggest we, as individuals and collectively, do?

These are the questions I would love to discuss with you in our next Wednesday talk.

I would appreciate your thoughts, as I’m sure all my granddaughters would.

A while back, I posed a question to the participants of our monthly gathering about a topic they’d like to explore. One answer was the state of inner peace—what it means and how to achieve this common yet seemingly elusive goal.

The quest for inner peace is arguably a universal desire. Bronnie Ware, an Australian nurse with extensive experience in palliative care, delves into this in her book, “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.” She found that the foremost regret among the dying was wishing they had the courage to live a life true to themselves rather than conforming to the expectations of others. In essence, they regretted not living according to their true values.

I firmly believe that living consistently with your values is essential to achieving true inner peace.

Understanding Your Values

The first step towards living your values is clearly identifying them. Values can range from honesty and loyalty to creativity and independence. They are unique to each individual and are shaped by personal experiences, culture, and upbringing.

Reflecting on moments when you felt happiest or most proud can help reveal your true values. Similarly, considering what makes you deeply uncomfortable or upset can also indicate values that are important to you.

Living in alignment with our values enhances life satisfaction, as it brings a sense of authenticity,  harmony, and the coveted “peace of mind.”

At our gathering this Wednesday, I’d love to delve into a discussion about your personal values and explore the impact, challenges, and benefits that come from living in alignment with those values. I’m also eager to hear your thoughts—and if you believe—that adhering to one’s values can contribute to inner peace.

Happy New Year!
 
I hope your holidays were festive and free from any political, spiritual, or generational dramas among friends or family. I'm looking forward to spending as much time with you as possible during our Wednesday conversations as we explore ways to enhance our connection to each other and to ourselves.
 
In my last post, I discussed the principle of Dadirri—the practice of deep, reflective listening, quiet, and still awareness. During our December discussion, the challenge of being present in the moment came up. I shared a personal practice of engaging in activities not merely to finish them but to truly be in the moment with them. This led to a discussion about how having “stuff to do” can interfere with our ability to be present or doing something with the intention to finish it.
 
So, for our January conversation, I'd like to dive deeper into the topic of being present. What does being in the moment mean to you? Is it important? Is it possible to live in the present moment? How can we live with present moment awareness? Why is it important to be present?
 
I would love to continue this conversation about the idea of being in the moment and hear your thoughts, ideas, and opinions about this way of living and being.

This discussion will be held January 8th from 6:30-7:30 pm PT. To participate, email team@andresalvage.com for Zoom link.

I don’t want to launch into a spiritual, philosophical, religious, or even scientific tirade, but I’d like to start this conversation with a question—a hypothetical, if you will:

What if every conversation you had was treated as a sacred event?

Whatever "sacred" means to you—what if you regarded the person you were talking to and the subject matter as sacred?

• How would you respond? 
• How would you talk? 
• How would you listen? 

I think the answers would likely include a lot of respect, perhaps even reverence, care, compassion, curiosity, objectivity, and, most importantly, connection.  

I know this is challenging because we tend to judge the people we’re talking to, classifying them as undeserving of our reverence simply because they disagree with us. This is a critical point—the practice is not just about seeing the conversation as sacred but also viewing the person you are speaking to with the same reverence—as a sacred being. 

Listening as a sacred event is not a new concept. It is deeply rooted in the Aboriginal spiritual practice of “Dadirri”, a term from the Ngan'gikurunggurr and Ngen'giwumirri languages. Dadirri reflects the practice of deep, reflective listening and quiet, still awareness. It is about being fully present, attuned to the natural world and the sacredness within and around us, and fostering a profound sense of connection, empathy, and understanding. Dadirri encourages stillness, patience, and heartfelt engagement with others and the environment. 

Now, back to my original question: What if listening itself was a sacred event? How would you listen?

My next questions and what I would like to discuss during this month’s gathering are:

Is it possible to see everything and every conversation as sacred? If you could, how would that change your life? How would it change your holiday gatherings?

Looking forward to having this discussion….

This discussion will be held on Zoom 12/4 from 6:30-7:30 pm PT. To participate, email team@andresalvage.com for link.

When companies enlist my help to mend their DEI programs, address an increase in HR complaints, or advance the group’s cultural sensitivity, the initial step is to establish a common goal.

On November 6th, the day after our national election, the polarizing extremes will likely continue to draw us into debates, further separations, and demonizing the opposite side.

I propose a discussion—not a debate—focused on the shared dreams, desires, and hopes that matter to us all, regardless of our political choices. I believe that most of us seek the same outcomes for ourselves, our families, and our nation. Let’s explore what we have in common; we can discuss “how we get there” in later conversations.

Firstly, it’s crucial to express and recognize that we are not as divided as the extremes would have us believe. The next step is to acknowledge that beneath the rhetoric, fear-mongering, and our compulsion to prove others wrong, we all share similar wants, needs, and desires.

Using our commonalities as a foundation, we can then encourage communication that is open, objective, curious, compassionate, and connective.

For this month’s discussion, I’d like to feed, nurture, and understand our shared values and commonalities. Please join me on Zoom, Wednesday, Nov. 6th at 6:30 pm PT. Email team@andresalvage.com for Zoom link.

 PS- This tactic is also excellent for holiday conversations.

It’s increasingly apparent, particularly in our politically, environmentally, and economically polarized world, how challenging it is to stay aligned with one’s true nature in the face of disagreement. Staying true to one’s nature involves remaining objective, making observations instead of judgments, being curious rather than triggered by words, actions, and beliefs, finding compassion instead of taking things personally, and communicating to connect rather than perpetuating conflict.

This difficulty was vividly illustrated during a recent workshop I led on conflict resolution, where the group unanimously recognized the effectiveness of communicating from one’s true nature in dealings with clients, coworkers, and friends. We delved into various scenarios—both professional and personal—practicing key skills such as listening, present-moment awareness, acknowledging, validating, turning someone into an ally by using strategic language like “we,” “let’s,” and “together,” and focusing on the problem being the problem, not the person. The exercises had a powerful impact, which the participants found highly enlightening.

However, the atmosphere shifted dramatically when I role-played a client expressing political views:

“The way things are now, I feel the country is going downhill. I feel frustrated and scared; I think a Donald Trump and Marjorie Taylor-Greene ticket would turn this country around for the better.”

Immediately, tension filled the room, breathing stopped, biases were triggered, and judgments filled the air. Despite my reminders that acknowledgment does not mean agreement, it took several prompts and deep breaths before the group could practice objectivity, curiosity, compassion, and connection. Finally, someone managed to respond,

“I hear you; these are challenging times. I feel worried as well.”

I reiterated that this is the work of conflict resolution— to remain open, be curious about why someone might feel that way, show compassion for their fears, and engage in a dialogue, all with the intention to connect. Earlier, the group readily agreed that this approach significantly de-escalates tension and were ready to roll with it. With the role-play putting theory into practice, they understood that laying down our self-righteousness and biases is not simple. In moments of stark disagreement, relinquishing the need to be right, to truly listen, acknowledge, and validate another’s feelings remains a substantial challenge. 

Why is it so hard to communicate with the intention to connect, especially when we disagree? This struggle is not unique to any one of us. We all find it necessary to resort to blaming, shaming, and weaponizing our knowledge and intuition at times. Understanding this shared struggle can help us feel more connected and less alone in our communication challenges.

In my youth, I distinctly remember the overwhelming fear of being in survival mode, dominated by a consciousness of poverty, scarcity, and hopelessness. I also remember faint but potent moments of curiosity.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when I decided to transition from living in fear to embracing curiosity, courage, openness, connection, and a desire to understand. This shift feels like an ongoing journey—using the powerful, innate energy of curiosity to prevent fear from wreaking the havoc it has inflicted on many lives.

I describe curiosity as innate because, from a young age, we are driven by a desire to explore and understand the world around us. This natural inclination propels us to “seek out new life, and new civilizations,  to boldly go where no one has gone before...”   Apologies for the Star Trek reference; I’ll stop— where was I?

Curiosity helps us seek new information, perspectives, experiences, and insights that fear would hijack and cause us to abandon for FEAR.

They say that “curiosity killed the cat,” but fear can consume all nine lives in one fleeting moment. Ultimately, it comes down to a choice: do we want to live constricted and paralyzed, or do we want to expand our horizons and enhance our ability to perceive, adapt, and create? I believe that curiosity is not just a substitute for fear; it is a potent alternative to being reactionary. It steers us away from making snap judgments, taking things personally, and succumbing to our unconscious biases. Curiosity opens the pathway to compassion, empathy, understanding, and deeper connections to everything.

This month, I challenge you to approach each moment of fear, stress, or anxiety with curiosity. Allow your curiosity to empower you with the courage to confront and ally with your internal fears, transforming them into something constructive rather than debilitating. If this seems daunting, start by simply contemplating the difference between fear and curiosity. Try to recall a time when, despite fear, your desire to understand took over, and curiosity prevailed.

Although many don't like to admit it, we make a tremendous number of judgments each day. These initial negative judgments help us feel safe, make sense of the world, and offer internal control over situations and people. Inherently, there is nothing wrong with judging; being decisive, making declarations, and envisioning potential outcomes can enhance your ability to function effectively. So why do so many health, spiritual, and scientific-minded people advise against being judgmental?

There is a difference between forming an opinion through objective reasoning and fairness—that's making a judgment. However, forming critical and negative opinions without sufficient evidence or based on bias, stereotypes, or preconceived notions—that is being judgmental.

It is the latter that I wish to discuss: the dangers of being judgmental and the ways we can transform that particular ego defense into an objective, curious, compassionate advisor. 

I think we can all agree that it's not right to take something that doesn't belong to you. Doing so deprives the original owner of having, using, and truly owning it.

If we're clear on the fact that we shouldn't take what isn't ours, then why do we so often take personally words, actions, behaviors, and thoughts that clearly aren't meant for us? Why do we adopt them, believe in them, and let ourselves be affected by them?

When we take things personally, it's akin to taking someone else's belongings. Their words and actions are their own; by taking them personally, we appropriate—misappropriate—their chance to learn from their own actions.

At our next Wednesday gathering, I'd like to explore three questions:

1. Why do we take the words, actions, and behaviors of others personally?
2. What can we do, adopt, or “let go” so we don't take things personally?
3. How would your life be different if you stopped taking others' words, behaviors, and so forth personally?