There are roles we play—often unconsciously—that shape the way we respond to life’s challenges. Two of the most common and extreme roles are those of the victim and the perpetrator. Depending on the situation, and sometimes even depending on what serves us in the moment, we swing between these two. They are reactive roles, rooted in pain, protection, and survival.
What’s dangerous about living in these extremes is that, over time, we become them. We internalize the role. We either carry the wound of helplessness or wield the weapon of blame. And while it might seem like the perpetrator holds all the power, victimhood wields its own kind of power—one that can control, deflect, and avoid responsibility. Both roles can end up using their version of power at the expense of others.
But there is another way.
There is a middle space—a grounded, integrated, balanced space. A space of integrity, self-responsibility, and compassionate awareness. In this space:
You honor your storywithout making it your entire identity.
You can acknowledge mistakesand take steps to repair without diminishing your worth or ability to lead.
You learn to own harm caused, without collapsing into guilt or needing to justify.
You allow your grief and lessons to shape you—but not harden or define you.
It’s not an easy path. The first step to any true transformation is awareness. And yes—awareness often comes with discomfort. But the gift of not having to live as a victim or a perpetrator is worth every uncomfortable step. In that middle ground, you find freedom. You find peace. You find your authentic self—no longer defined by harm done to you or harm done by you, but by the way you rise with awareness, humility, and grace.
At this month’s “Gathering” we’ll explore this very topic. We’ll reflect on the subtle ways we play out these roles, how they serve us, and how to begin shifting toward a balanced, integrated life—a life led by presence, not by pain.
Join me on Wednesday, July 9 in this ongoing conversation of healing, leadership, and liberation.
